The Gift of Presence - Supporting our Children to Cry
Coming up to Christmas time, there’s lots of focus on ; presents. ; But what about presence? ; The presence of a parent looking into the ; eyes of her child. ; The presence of a ; baby seeing the world for the first time. The presence of a child as he engages ; in learning something new. ; Presence ; brings wonder and magic in each moment. ; ; When we are in presence with our child, there are no thoughts about what ; we should be doing, no regrets about the past or daydreaming about the ; future. ; All we know is the joy and ; wonder that comes from looking at our child and seeing him as if for the first ; time. ;
We cannot fail to recognise those moments of presence as an ; adult. ; We may become aware when our baby ; or child is in that state. ; But how can ; we nourish their ability to live in presence?
The more a parent is present, the more they can “mirror” ; that in their baby or child. ; When the ; essence of a child is seen, he knows who he is. ; ; When the parent rarely or ever connects to the essence of herself, she ; is unlikely to mirror that for the child. ;
Studies show that babies become very distressed when they ; are with someone who does not mirror them, or who is preoccupied or ; distant. ; This can happen in the case of ; post-natal depression or in studies where parents are told to avoid eye contact ; with their babies. ; The babies in these ; studies frantically try to make eye contact, eventually giving up and avoiding ; eye contact themselves.
Unresolved stress reduces the ability for presence. ; We know that for ourselves – when caught up ; in a tense state, we rarely find ourselves noticing the beauty of the trees ; gently swaying in the breeze, or the gaze of our child. When a parent is ; stressed, she becomes preoccupied, less sensitive, and more quickly ; frustrated. ; Babies and children are ; exquisitely sensitive, and easily feel confused, frightened or ; overwhelmed. ; Parental stress is one of ; the myriad sources for a baby or child to experience stress.
As stress accumulates in the body of a baby or child, he ; feels more and more uncomfortable. ; To ; avoid the sensation of discomfort, he has two strategies, both of which take ; him away from connection with himself and others. ; He can either turn excessively inward, in a ; kind of numbing, or spacing out. ; You can ; see this when a baby is sucking on something with a blank stare on his face, or ; when a child sits gazing into space and will not answer a question. ; Alternatively, a child may turn excessively ; outward. ; This can be observed when a ; toddler frantically moves from one activity to another, avoiding eye contact, ; or when a child runs around constantly, bumping into things and falling ; over. ; Accumulated stress also affects ; the ability to sleep, concentrate, learn and contribute.
The more stress and tension in a baby or child’s body, the ; less presence he has available.
However, if a parent is aware of the power of being present ; with feelings – both her own and those of her baby or child, the child will not ; need to avoid his uncomfortable feelings. ;The parent’s presence makes his feelings ; safe. ; The child learns that feelings are ; friends, rather than sensations to be feared.
How wonderful to learn then, that babies and children can ; heal from stress and return to their natural state of presence! ; Babies do this through crying in the arms and ; presence of their parent, after all their needs are met. ; Toddlers and children do this by laughing, ; crying or raging in the loving presence of their parents. ; The expression of feelings releases stress ; hormones and muscular tension.
When a baby finishes a cycle of crying in arms, he returns ; to his natural state of presence. ; This ; is witnessed by a calm, serene presence that fills the room, blissful gazing, ; and a calm, relaxed and vital body. ; When ; a child finishes a tantrum in the supportive presence of an adult, he returns ; to wanting to cooperate with, and help, others. ; ; He smiles, he wants closeness and cuddles, and his body is calm and free ; from tension. ;
In essence, a being’s presence determines their availability ; for connection. ; When we are in presence, ; we want to be close with our children and to contribute to them. ; When they are present, they love intimacy, ; and want to help us and give to us.
What a true gift, then, to find that we can give our presence ; to our children. ; Being a clear mirror to ; their states of presence, and also the whole range of their feelings, we help ; them remain connected to their true essence. ; ; What a present that is!
Further Reading
www.parentingwithpresence.nethttp://www.parentingwithpresence.net/">www.parentingwithpresence.net>
www.awareparenting.comhttp://www.awareparenting.com/">www.awareparenting.com>
Books by Aletha Solter, Ph.D. ; The Aware Baby, Tears and ; Tantrums, Helping Young Children Flourish, and Raising Drug-Free Kids.
Marion Badenoch Rose
Marion Badenoch Rose has been studying infant and child development for the past 17 years. This includes a degree in psychology and a Ph.D. on the mother-infant relationship from Cambridge University. She has diplomas in Psychosynthesis counselling and psychotherapy, and has worked in Universities in England as Research Fellow and Lecturer. She offers consultations and workshops for parents.
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